Premier League season guide 2009-10 - Arsenal

The club

Party manifesto

"The Emirates super-state believes in free movement of skilled teenage labour, a sustainable approach to recycling the ball somewhere near the halfway line and benevolent dictatorship by an increasingly grumpy Frenchman in a blue coat."

Fat cats or hard times

Yet to buy into the new billionairism, so dependent on the silent hordes at bijou Islington residence. Jabba the Hut body double and main shareholder Alisher 'Keys' Usmanov has other ideas.

Their idea of dreamland

The theory: elastic-limbed graduates of the North London School of the Cushioned Backheel learn to reproduce Total Wengerball at will and kick-start era of futuristic European dominance. The reality: Kieran Gibbs falling over.

The table doesn't lie

Fourth and a Champions League semi-final looks like a decent season, but no trophies since 2005 has begun to grate. If the Belgian defender Thomas Vermaelen settles, the squad already looks stronger.

If they had three wishes

1 World-class Patrick Vieira-style (circa 1998) midfielder discovered having kickabout outside Holloway Road branch of Chicken Cottage

2 Fifa decrees points to be awarded for artistic merit and ability to play intricate double-shimmy wall-pass

3 Real Madrid, Manchester City and other moneyed bullies continue not realising how good Andrey Arshavin is.

What a typical fan says

"Mmmm the prosciutto & sage chicken skewers with roast pepper aioli are divine. Where's everyone going?... The second half of what?"

The players

New kid in town Thomas Vermaelen

The left-footed Belgian arrived for £10.4m from Ajax, where he was captain last season, and is expected to slot straight into central defence.

English passion v foreign flair

Wenger preaches the pan-global melting pot, hence 11 different nationalities in the team at the end of last season. But there are stirrings of something else: feisty British bulldogs Kieran Gibbs, Theo Walcott and Jack Wilshere could all play big roles this year.

Watch out for

Carlos Vela: the best thing to come out of Mexico since guacamole. Left-footed, wonderfully balanced and a scorer of spectacular goals – like a young Robbie Fowler only without the clothes peg on his nose.

Unsung hero

His foot keeps falling off. His knees are held together with hairy string. But Robin van Persie still scored 21 times last season and is a goal-every-other-start merchant. Interplay with Arshavin will be key.

Do not match the ambition of...

Recent superstar-feeder-club status has begun to sit uneasily. Cesc Fábregas keeps being 'mistranslated', waffling about Barcelona in the Spanish press. William Gallas always appears to be on the verge of bursting into tears.

Most likely to date Danielle Lloyd

Nicklas Bendtner had his drunken nightclub-exit upskirt moment last season. But he's not like that really. Although, Henri Lansbury does list at least a thousand very thin orange women among his Facebook friends.

National treasure

Wilshere, the best young English player anywhere. Has trickery, vision and hunger. A bit of a lab experiment, too: the first Englishman to go right through academy to first team under Wenger. More please. We want more of these. At least 10 more.

The manager

Arsène Wenger

Put your medals on the table

Invented broccoli and yoga in his first season, won the Double in his second and had the Invincibles in 2003–04. Arsenal's most gong-laden manager.

What's his style?

Puritanical vision of homogenised supra-national excellence. ie: jet-heeled Eritrean teenagers constructing dizzying 17-pass move that ends in goal-kick.

Will almost certainly complain about...

Media. Team losing. Team being clogged. Media reports of his team being clogged while losing.

If they want to get ahead they could wear a...

Fascinator

Flimsy but eye-catching, revolutionary spin on conventional classic. Often worn by congregation at weddings but very rarely by those who end the campaign with silverware and champagne-fuelled consummation. Offers no protection from rain, cold, sleet and other assorted rough northern elements but looks good while it lasts.

Premier League season guide 2009-10 - Liverpool

The club

Party manifesto

"We live by the principles of The Great Leader, Bill Shankly: 'The socialism I believe in is everyone working for each other, everyone having a share of the rewards. It's the way I see football, the way I see life.' It encapsulates a club with left-wing values in a famously left-wing city. They hold to this day. Now, let's pay off this week's interest on that humungous leveraged loan with the profits from all these replica shirt sales in Asia ..."

Fat cats or hard times

The loan taken out by George and Tom, the Two Stooges, to purchase the club put Liverpool deep in the red. But not so deep that they can't afford to spend nearly £20m on a full-back who was repeatedly skinned by the Kazakhstan winger back in June.

Their idea of dreamland

It's all about the league. Unless you're Rafa Benítez, who wants another European Cup even more than his wife Montse wants another wristwatch gift as a result.

The table doesn't lie

Second behind Manchester United who they beat at Anfield and at Old Trafford, was arguably Liverpool's best performance in the league in nearly two decades. Yet after a raft of 0-0 draws it was a real opportunity missed. This year the title's a genuine possibility - though their last second place, under Gérard Houllier, was followed by several seasons of anti-climax.

If they had three wishes

1 Winning the league

2 Winning the league thanks to a Michael Owen own goal

3 Winning the league thanks to a Michael Owen own goal three seasons in a row.

What a typical fan says

"In Rafa we trust. Until we're 2-0 down and he brings on Lucas for Gerrard."

The players

New kid in town Glen Johnson

Finally signed for his 'boyhood club' after establishing himself as England's right-back in his Pompey years. Cost £17m and played his first game filling in at left-back.

English passion v foreign flair

As you'd expect of Rafa's Real Mersey, there's a heavy sprinkling of Spanish-speaking sparkle. But the captain, Steven Gerrard, and the real captain Jamie Carragher make sure English values are represented. By running around looking annoyed and depressed.

Watch out for

Emilano Insua's time spent away with Argentina's kids at some pointless Fifa jamboree coincided with a slump in January. A ball-playing full-back, he's a much better prospect than Andrea Dossena, the funniest man to emerge on the Liverpool left since Alexei Sayle.

Unsung hero

The Kop wondered whether Yossi Benayoun was simply a facsimile of the frustrating Luis García, only with a poorer first touch and an even worse decision-making process. But the Israeli's improvement last season was immense, chipping in with numerous crucial goals and assists.

Do not match the ambition of ...

Javier Mascherano. Barcelona have turned the head of a player perfectly happy to drape himself over the West Ham chaise longue a couple of seasons ago.

Most likely to date Danielle Lloyd

Perpetual substitute Ryan Babel has plenty of time on his hands, if his rap video - "No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken" - is anything to go by. La Lloyd would doubtless prefer the former.

National treasure

Box-to-box midfielder Jay Spearing might fill in for Javier Mascherano, providing Lucas is boiled down for glue, as must surely be the plan. He's tipped to go all the way to the top. Or at least play for England.

The manager

Rafael Benítez

Put your medals on the table

Spanish titles, cups, the Uefa Cup and the spoils from that night in Istanbul. There's only one thing missing ... the Johnstone's Paint Trophy.

What's his style?

Famously defensive, though last season he opened out more than he was given credit for. But can he unlock the bus parked in front of goal by the so-called smaller sides?

Will almost certainly complain about...

Sir Alex Ferguson. Rafa's dossier is a work in progress and Ferguson retaliated by suggesting Benítez is "disturbed".

If they want to get ahead they could wear a ...

Stetson

Loved by brash Texans and featured in a pre-eminent primetime success of the 70s and 80s, its aficionados still have a tendency to throw their weight about on the European stage but are now more familiar at home as a dressing-up box staple for those still enacting long-lost battles. As worn by men with Desperate Dan facial hair and featured in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly or the history of the past 19 seasons as it is also known.

The numbers game

Years of hurt Three

Last major trophy FA Cup 2006

Title odds 11-4

Relegation odds 1,000-1

Last season

Champions League Quarters

FA Cup 4th round

Carling Cup 4th round

League discipline Yellow 50 Red 0

Top scorer Gerrard (16)

Fair play league 2nd

Points per game

against top four 2.33

against the rest 2.25

Premier League season guide 2009-10 - Manchester United

The club

Party manifesto

"British jobs for Brazilian teenagers. 0% interest on debts over £600m. Free chewing-gum for all. No Argentinians allowed in the country."

Fat cats or hard times

United are run by the leprechauns with the pot of gold. Except the pot is on HP and the plan to pay the rates is going up the wall.

Their idea of dreamland

Winning the title to go 19-18 ahead of Liverpool; Rafael Benítez and Steven Gerrard falling out irrevocably over how to pronounce the word "fact"; Carlos Tevez getting injured and, unable to exercise, ballooning to 25 stone by Christmas.

The table doesn't lie

Won the title despite not getting out of second gear. The loss of Cristiano Ronaldo might leave them light on goals, but the defence is the greatest in the club's history. In an alternative universe they are managed by George Graham, and they have cured insomnia.

If they had three wishes

1 Liverpool to get relegated

2 Michael Owen to score the winner at Anfield to clinch the title and relegate Liverpool before kissing the badge and flicking a V at the Kop

3 Electric cars, bio fuels and wind farms make oil production redundant, thus bankrupting Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed al-Nahyan.

What a typical fan says

"Doom! Barcelona tore us a new one in Rome, and we have replaced the world's best player with a geriatrico and a Wigan winger. Liverpool are nailed on for the title. We'll do well to finish in the top four ..."

The players

New kid in town Michael Owen

Prolific in pre-season, United's free transfer from Newcastle is back in his native North-west and keen to make up for lost time.

English passion v foreign flair

Sir Alex Ferguson's sides have always had a strong British and Irish core, and there are nine England internationals at the club. But in his dotage he seems to have developed a Brazilian fetish, a sentence that must be open to no ambiguity whatsoever.

Watch out for

French Under-21 winger Gabriel Obertan will hope to carry on the proud Gallic tradition at Old Trafford. If he is half as successful as William Prunier, Fabien Barthez and David Bellion, he'll be the worst signing in the history of football.

Unsung hero

Un-sung Park. Not so much for his indefatigability and technical prowess, but because without him Nani would play 20 games a season more than he does.

Do not match the ambition of ...

Nani, the world's best young winger who is the natural successor to Cristiano Ronaldo and who makes and scores goals with one devastating sweep of his immaculate right foot. And then he wakes up.

Most likely to date Danielle Lloyd

Being an older-looking 17-year-old than even Benjamin Button helps Federico Macheda get into nightclubs, and his love of the fairer sex has been amply covered on MyFaceTwitter. His limited English ensures he won't know the meaning of the phrase "best to go ugly early".

National treasure

When he isn't keeping the first aid couch warm for his, er, namesake Michael, Owen Hargreaves is an irresistible force: a fusion of unshakeable mental strength and formidable athleticism. England's chance of beating the Spanish favourites without him next summer is almost non-existent.

The manager

Sir Alex Ferguson

Put your medals on the table

That would be like Ron Jeremy slipping his hands behind his head in the shower: Ferguson has won 31 trophies in 35 years.

What's his style?

Has returned to the love of his sporting life, 4-4-1-1, after a zesty fling with 4-3-3. Has a new obsession with concentration, a word he uses almost as much as "youse".

Will almost certainly complain about ...

The BBC; the injustice of having to play an away league game within a month of a European fixture; the BBC; Rafael Benítez's lack of respect; the BBC.

If they want to get ahead they could wear a ...

Crown

Worn by those with a sense of entitlement and regal bearing who take the spoils they earn as a birthright. Rather grand, whenever any upstart criticises them they ought to bear in mind their importance to the tourist trade. Recently shown to be twinned with the Emperor's New Clothes during a European state visit, it remains in place despite a double hit from a plundering Spanish Armada.

The numbers game

Years of hurt Zero

Last major trophy Premier League; Carling Cup; Club World Cup 2008-09

Title odds 2-1

Relegation odds 1,000-1

Last season

Champions League Final

FA Cup Semis

Carling Cup Winners

League discipline Yellow 58 Red 3

Top scorer Ronaldo (18)

Fair play league =14th

Points per game

against top four 1.83

against the rest 2.67

Iberian power shift provides the Real riposte to Premier League self-regard

It began when Spain beat Germany – then Barcelona humbled United, Berlusconi succumbed to greed and Ronaldo boarded the gravy train.

Moguls are hereby invited to fund a five-a-side between our Premier League and Spain's La Liga to determine the balance of power. Their line-up now: Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaká, Lionel Messi, Andrés Iniesta and Xavi.

Ours: Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, Fernando Torres, Frank Lampard and Cesc Fábregas. And two of those are Spanish. Maybe put Rio Ferdinand in there instead of Fábregas, because we'll need a defender, or five. Sorry, bad idea. We ought to play Spain at roadworks instead. Or Wags.

Self-abasing critiques of

Real Madrid's capture of Ronaldo for £80m will be fired at from high horses by the Premier League's implacable marketers. To some on the debt mountain, it comes as a personal affront to be told that vast worldwide TV deals are not the sole measure of excellence.Let's start by conceding that Manchester United v

Arsenal or Liverpool will not be next season's must-see game in the Far East or Africa. That honour passes on a gilded platter (if indeed it was not already in Spanish hands) to El gran clásico between Barcelona and Real Madrid, which will feature all of the virtuosos in my La Liga quintet to face the Premier League's famous five.

Could the opening exchange between Spain's leviathans in 2009-10 be the most coveted ticket in club football's history? The synergy is that Real have broken the bank for the past two winners of Fifa World Player of the Year in a summer when Barça's sparkling Champions League-winning side have earned comparisons with Johan Cruyff's Dream Team of the early 1990s.

To be clear, Spain are European champions and house the best club side in the world. Their two great footballing metropolises are home to the world's three best players: Ronaldo, Kaká and Messi, as well as one of the best central midfield pairings the game has seen, in Xavi and Iniesta. La Liga is also the residence for Argentina's other lustrous young talent, Sergio Agüero, not to mention David Villa. On loan, in a sense, to the Premier League are Torres, Fábregas, Xabi Alonso and Pepe Reina: all probable members of a Spain squad who ought to be favourites for next summer's World Cup in South Africa.

Not all of this is a romantic riposte to Premier League self-regard. Nothing could exceed the vulgarity of Florentino Pérez being re-elected as Real Madrid president and then summoning £136m from sources unknown to add two of the world's three most celebrated players to a side who lost 4-0 to Liverpool at Anfield and 6-2 at home to Barça.

Galácticos II are a stark counterpoint to Barça's more noble culture of talent cultivation. But does the latest Pérez splurge prompt you to reject the trip to the pub on a Saturday night in favour of Barça v Real in HD? Sure it does. Now is the time to start that wine cellar. Uefa's Michel Platini has finally trained his guns away from England to call the Ronaldo fee a "serious challenge to the idea of fair play", but let's see how many join his picket line outside the Bernabéu or Camp Nou when the clásico kicks off.

Power has shifted dramatically and irresistibly to Iberia. It started when Spain beat Germany in Vienna 12 months ago, continued when Barcelona humbled United in Rome and assumed the look of a fait accompli when Silvio Berlusconi surrendered to greed in selling Milan's best player for a world-record fee and a fax churned out at Manchester confirming the unavoidable. To hold someone you cherish against their will is demeaning to the one doing the holding. This time, there was an £80m reward for letting go.

George Weah, meanwhile, is still the only former world player of the year to come to an English club. Ronaldo was already here when he claimed that prize. Weah played 11 times for Chelsea and seven for Manchester City. Otherwise there is a litany of nonpareils who declined the opportunity: the original Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Ronaldinho, Luís Figo, Zinedine Zidane and Kaká.

There's more. Fifa's gong has passed 10 times to Barcelona or Real Madrid players and 10 times to representatives of Italian clubs. The Premier League's tally is one: the Portuguese Ronaldo.

There are countervailing gains. A retaliatory snatch squad may bring back Lyon's Karim Benzema or Bayern Munich's Franck Ribéry. We still have Torres, and Rooney may now finally come in from the cold to play through the centre for United. England are 10 points clear in World Cup qualifying. But the sprinkling of British football writers who left to live and work in Spain no longer feel like William Boot, if they ever did. Each morning, on the sun-buttered terrace, they must be shouting: "Scoop!"